God wants us to live with an attitude of submission toward all people.
Bible Study Ideas and Commentary for 1 Peter 3:1-12
God wants us to live with an attitude of submission toward all people (as in putting other people first, just like Jesus did). The most fundamental relationship to practice this is marriage, but Peter tells us to behave this way toward everyone. In rapid-fire style, Peter challenges our entire approach toward relationships.
all of you should be like-minded and sympathetic (3:8)
Getting Started: Things to Think About
You have so many ways to start this one . . .
Modern Family.
How are husbands and fathers portrayed in the media? Sometimes very well, but it’s just too easy to write a man off as an aloof goofball, oblivious to his family’s needs or essentially self-absorbed. Of course, the reason it’s so easy is it’s too often true. Talk about the stereotyped image of a man in our culture. Then talk about how it would be hard to respect such a person. Then explain that husbands today have the challenge of learning how to be worthy of the respect Peter talks about wives giving them even though they have to search for good models. If wives have a hard time with Peter’s words, perhaps they can help their husband become the kind of man God wants him to be.
Healthy Relationships.
I Googled “characteristics of healthy relationships” and I was pleasantly surprised to find so many based on biblical principles (even if the authors didn’t realize it). For example, the University of Washington reports mutual respect, trust, honesty, support, fairness/equality, separate identities, good communication, and fondness as characteristic of a healthy relationship. If you have a lot of married folk in your group, you might use this as a starter to get them thinking about what they think makes for a healthy relationship. Then, when you talk about “submission” in the course of the lesson, you can explain it in the same terms—not as dominating or demanding, but respect and equality.
A Fashion Magazine Identity.
I find it easy to make fun of fashion trends (because some of them are pretty ridiculous), but I'd never think I’m immune to them. This is a discussion for all ages—boys and girls. How do fashion trends influence your life? What are some negative trends you find hard to avoid? Why do you care about fashion trends in the first place? (church clothes, going out clothes, work clothes, etc., all are influenced by trends) Most importantly, why would God tell us not to get caught up in such trends? If you have any problems thinking of answers to these questions, let me know. I assure you they affect every one of us, not just younger girls.
This Week's Big Idea: Complementarian / Egalitarian
To be sure, when we look at this entire passage in context, the most important part is not the 'wives and husbands" part but the “all of you” part starting in verse 8. Please save plenty of time to talk about that! But because of the nature of the words (and because Peter’s language sounds so provocative to us), but I know we’ll get stuck on that first topic for at least a little while.
People generally get stuck on Peter’s “weaker vessel” comment (see below) and assume he’s male chauvinist. The reaction to that (and to the male-centric American society of the post-50s) has led to the modern Christian debate about men vs. women, in which there are three common positions.
The first, that women are inferior to men, needs to be thrown out as unbiblical.
That leaves two viable positions: egalitarianism, which argues that there are no differences between men and women,
and complementarianism, which argues that there are gender differences related to function but not to quality.
This primarily plays out (in Christian debate, not necessarily in social debate where things can get really ugly) in questions about church leadership. An egalitarian would say that men and women are interchangeable in every way. A complementarian would say that men and women are equal, but we have been called to different roles and that God has assigned responsibility of leadership to the male side (take a look at 1 Timothy 2-3 and 1 Corinthians 14). I think the Bible very clearly teaches the complementarian point of view, but here’s the problem: not understanding the cultural setting of the Bible has led some Christians to misapply that teaching, and catastrophic failures of male leadership has created an environment of mistrust and tension. In other words, had men consistently been the kind of leaders we were supposed to be, I don’t think this would be the issue it is.
The irony of this debate with respect to the 1 Peter 2 passage is that all Peter actually says is that a wife should be submissive to her own husband. Based on everything we have studied with respect to “submission” in the resident/government and slave/master relationship, that really shouldn’t be controversial. If the husband is not a Christian, then it becomes a “trust in God” situation as in Rome; if he is, then he had better treat his wife like royalty.
Rather, I think the controversy comes in to how we think Peter seems to be characterizing women, as shallow, superficial, and inferior creatures that men have to put up with. I see how people can get that if they read 1 Peter without studying it, but that’s not what Peter is saying. Just like today (see above), people could get caught up in fashion trends (see the sidebar), envying the “beauty treatments” available to the upper classes. You don’t have to be rich to be beautiful, Peter says; it actually has little to do with physical appearance at all. Just like until recently, women did not have access to the same education and athletic training as men, so they were literally at the mercy of men in that society (see the sidebar). But that did not mean men should take advantage of them! Rather, they should be extra sensitive to the needs of the women in a male-dominated society. Finally, there’s the whole Sarah-calling-Abraham-“Lord” thing. In the context, that’s the equivalent of “sir.” That’s just a term of respect. I would find it weird if Shelly called me that, but it’s the attitude of respect I think we’re talking about.
Big Picture: A Call to Righteous Living
Peter encourages us to win over our neighbors by living right. Don’t give outsiders reasons to hate Christians! (We certainly see how bad behavior and charges of hypocrisy have hurt the church’s reputation in America.) He says that we should submit to government authority and to the will of our master (employer in our setting) - don’t let anyone think that Christians are social revolutionaries who just want to stir up trouble. Let that revolution happen one person at a time. How does Peter know that that was Jesus’ plan for changing the world? Because that’s how Jesus lived and died (the verses we skip, 2:21-25). Jesus could have wiped out His enemies, but He chose instead to submit to them and die for our sins. We should then think of our behavior as bearing our friends’ and neighbors’ sins in order to prove to them the truth of the gospel. In the passage we cover today, Peter applies that to wives, husbands, and all Christians.
Bonus Big Idea: First Century Fashion
Some Christians take Peter’s command to avoid gold jewelry and braided hair (see also 1 Tim 2:9) absolutely. While I think that is a perfectly valid application of Peter’s words, I do not think it is necessary. In Roman culture, one’s dress indicated one’s status. Respected matrons wore multiple tunics with many folds of fabric. But there were only so many colors and styles of tunic even possible, so individuality was expressed through jewelry and hairstyle. They used curling irons, bleaches, dyes, gels, hairpins, and even wigs. Playwrights and poets often satirized women’s obsession with hair fashion (sound familiar?). Jewelry was more expensive than hair treatment, so it was a clear indicator of wealth. Amethysts and pearls, for example, were popular imports.
Peter was making a couple of points about attire. First, people in that culture used fashion to try to elevate themselves. Kind of like today. Obviously, that defeated the entire purpose of celebrating one’s identity in Christ, who makes such desires moot. Second, people in that culture used fashion to bring attention to themselves. Kind of like today. Again, it’s hard to put the focus on Christ when you’re trying to bring the focus to yourself. But third, people in that culture associated fashion with value. Kind of like today. A respectable woman should dress like such-and-such. A good girl should dress like such-and-such. Chasing that image required great financial sacrifice, something Peter thought not the best use of money.
Part 1: For the Wife (1 Peter 3:1-6)
In the same way, wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, even if some disobey the Christian message, they may be won over without a message by the way their wives live when they observe your pure, reverent lives. Your beauty should not consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold ornaments or fine clothes. Instead, it should consist of what is inside the heart with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very valuable in God’s eyes. For in the past, the holy women who put their hope in God also beautified themselves in this way, submitting to their own husbands, just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. You have become her children when you do what is good and are not frightened by anything alarming.
The first thing noticed is how much more Peter says to women than men. Some take great offense at that! But let’s get the setting right. Women with unbelieving husbands made up the vast majority of the church, so they deserved more attention. But more importantly, the culture gave very little value to women, so they really had nothing to go on. By meeting them where they are and taking their social situation so seriously, Peter was trying to help these women realize their value and importance. Most of them would have had no role models. They would have had no moral training (unless they had a strong mom). Their saving encounter with Jesus would have probably been the first time they considered their own worth. BUT their own husband might despise them and belittle them. How hard would that be! So here’s what Peter is saying: if your husband is not a Christian, try to win him to Christ. But don’t try to be an evangelist. Now, get this: in that culture, it was considered a virtue for women to be seen but not heard. And the more beautiful and quiet the better. Sound offensive and pejorative? Sure, but that’s beside the point. Peter knows that you can’t change an entire culture immediately. Unbelieving men would take great offense at women trying to tell them they’re going to hell without Jesus. Rather, let your changed life do the “talking.” Eventually, even the hardest pagan would be drawn to the grace and love from an on-fire-for-Jesus woman. And when they ask you why you’re behaving that way, be ready to give them the answer (but that’s 3:15, next week, so don’t spend too much time on that today!).
But let’s make sure we realize what Peter is not saying.
Peter is not saying that a Christian woman must stay in a dangerous marriage. In his day, a woman on the street had no choice but to become a prostitute, which was even more dangerous than a mildly abusive husband. Today, however, women have more rights and opportunities.
Peter is not saying that a Christian woman should marry a non-Christian man and then try to get him saved. I’ve heard that too many times and seen it go wrong too many times. Peter is only talking to wives who became a Christian after getting married.
Peter is not saying that “lifestyle evangelism” is the best evangelism. He is very clear on the importance of a spoken message. But he was speaking to an audience whose spoken words would not get them much of an audience. Use the form of evangelism you are allowed.
Peter then gives two illustrations. First, don’t obsess over outward beauty, like pagan Romans do. Inner beauty (namely a gentle and quiet spirit) will last long after your looks have gone. Second, treat your husband with respect, like Sarah did. Like I say elsewhere, it would strike me strange to hear Shelly call me “sir” but if she did so as a form of respect (and not a sarcastic “yes sir”), I guess I would be flattered. But no matter what, the Christian wife should not be afraid of what her husband might do. She should be strong in the Lord.
If you’re in a group of married couples, don’t let the husbands hijack this discussion. How can a wife show respect for her husband, especially when he doesn’t deserve it? Get practical and personal. For kids and teens, make sure that everyone understands that true beauty is within. There are countless graphics out there of 1 Peter 3:4, all of which make this point clear. Girls should focus on being beautiful inside. Boys should learn to appreciate inner beauty.
Part 2: For the Husband (1 Peter 3:7)
Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives with an understanding of their weaker nature yet showing them honor as coheirs of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.
Peter doesn’t help his modern American cause with this choice of words. But he wasn’t writing in a modern American context. As I say below, men are (in general) physically stronger than women. And they were absolutely socially stronger (the women had a “weak” standing). A husband could intimidate, bully, and coerce his wife into certain behaviors. And that is unacceptable. If anything, that should make the husband all the more conscientious of his wife’s needs. “In the same way” does not refer to the wife’s submission but rather to her desire to win over her husband for Christ. In Roman culture, the family went with the father’s religion. That’s just how it worked. But that’s not how Peter wanted it to work. Peter didn’t want these new believing husbands to force their families to go to church—he wanted them to win their families over through a changed life, through an attitude that was considerate and selfless. Do you see how this would be revolutionary in Peter’s culture? No more male privilege.
As before, don’t let the wives hijack the discussion. The husbands need to talk about ways they show consideration for their wife (and children). How do they need to show respect? And don’t miss the warning Peter gives (see the aside). If he screws it up, his prayers will be hindered. The same threat is not made of wives. Again—putting the responsibility squarely on the husband.
Aside: A “Weaker Vessel”???
Often, this phrase is explained away by talking about the social trend of restricting a woman’s access to education and to physical training. Although it’s a whole lot better now than it was even 30 years ago (see Title IX), there are still inequalities between the opportunities of men and women. In other words, through no fault of their own, women were socially, mentally, and technically “weaker” than their male counterparts. And that’s absolutely true.
But let’s not ignore the obvious. In America, the average adult male is 5’10” and weighs 180 (ha!); adult female is 5’4” and 145. There’s a fascinating article in The Atlantic that details a study demonstrating that across the board, women’s athletic records were consistently 90% of their male counterparts’, and that could be traced to a 90% ratio with respect to size and heart/lung capacity.
In other words, men are on average bigger than women. (There are plenty of exceptions!) But, in general, there you go. You can probably figure out, then, why societies have tended to be male-dominated. That was Rome’s reality. In fact, Roman courts often would not admit a woman’s testimony! (You can blame Aristotle for that. He taught that women were inferior to men. (!!)) Peter was telling the men that they should not see their greater size and strength as an advantage to be leveraged. They should never attempt to get their way through coercion or bullying. As you keep reading my sidebars, you will hopefully see that in fact Peter was giving women greater position than they had ever enjoyed in their cultural setting.
Let's Have It Out: Is Peter Anti-Woman (Male Chauvinist)?
The answer is no. Peter is being practical and consistent. Remember that he said very clearly that Christians need to “do good” in society. So—he advocates submission to social norms (for women just as he did for slaves), but you can tell that his sympathy is clearly with the woman (as it was for the slave). The early church was made up primarily of women and slaves; much of his audience would have been poor women with non-Christian husbands. What good are they going to do by stirring up trouble (especially with respect to the household gods)? Probably none! In fact, their rights were such that their husbands would simply have kicked them out; then they would have had nothing. They could even have been thrown in prison. Rather, Peter encourages the woman to be quiet, be submissive, and attempt to win over her husband through her exemplary lifestyle. I put this in the category of “pick your battles.” Starting a social revolution is a good way to get wiped out. But making subtle changes, a little yeast so to speak, can make long-term differences. Roman philosophers taught that women should fear their husbands. Peter doesn’t. Peter says they should respect their husbands, but they should fear God. They should not stir up trouble unnecessarily. But neither should they be intimidated by their lack of options.
The problem we have today is not understanding how to take the words of the Bible because they were written to two simultaneous yet separate situations: on the one hand we have women being walked over who needed to be encouraged in Christ, but on the other hand we have women who were taking their freedom in Christ to conclusions probably not intended who needed to be scolded. Thus the writers seem to come across either patronizing or condescending. I certainly don’t think that’s the case with Peter.
Part 3: For All Believers (1 Peter 3:8-12)
Now finally, all of you should be like-minded and sympathetic, should love believers, and be compassionate and humble, not paying back evil for evil or insult for insult but, on the contrary, giving a blessing, since you were called for this, so that you can inherit a blessing. For the one who wants to love life and to see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit, and he must turn away from evil and do what is good. He must seek peace and pursue it, because the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are open to their request. But the face of the Lord is against those who do what is evil.
I hope you save plenty of time for these verses. They mean what you think they mean. “Like-minded” does not mean agreeing about everything but living in harmony. “Sympathetic” means sharing another’s feelings. There needs to be “love” inside the church and “compassion” towards the world. We don’t use the same vengeful ethic of the world; in fact, we avoid evil completely and do good. (The word for “good” here is agathos, which you might remember is related to “useful.”) I encourage you to list all of the commands in these verses on a board somewhere with the question, “how are you at these?” Peter quotes Psalm 34:12-16, and the Psalmist is clearly speaking about this life, not the next. Yes, the ultimate blessing for Christians is the eternal “good day” of heaven, but don’t ignore the practical application. Who has the better quality of life: the friendly, compassionate, forgiving, and generous person, or the stingy, selfish, ornery and grudge-bearing person? Peter isn’t saying that salvation is in any way dependent on our behavior, but the quality of our life on earth is absolutely dependent on it! You see, Peter has a double purpose in his words. On the one hand, behaving in these ways will both help Christians stand out as bright lights in a dying culture and also give Christians a testimony and witness that will draw people to Jesus and give the church a better standing. But on the other hand, behaving in these ways is also the Old Testament’s (God’s) path to a happy and blessed life, both through the right kind of actions and through His own answering of prayers. God does not waste commands. Jesus re-created us to be the people we were intended to be.
If you have the time, lead your group in a kind of personal assessment. List the authorities in your life (boss, CEO, teacher, parent, police, local government, President, husband/certain family member, pastor, etc.) then rate your attitude toward each one. How are you showing everything Peter has said so far in chapter 3? In what ways are you doing it wrong? What do you need to change in your life to become a 1 Peter 3 kind of Christian?
The simple Christian truth we need to hammer home in this lesson is that the basic attitude we need to have in all of our relationships is one of submission (biblical definition—not blind obedience). We should not live our lives trying to get our way. Why? Because that’s the model Jesus left for us. Read Phil. 2 for an even clearer statement of this. In America, we are taught to look out for #1. In the Bible, we are taught that #1 is God. Life-changing stuff, this.
Closing Thoughts: What Hinders Prayers?
In 1 John 5, we read that God always hears our prayers. But there are several places in Scripture where we read that our prayers, though heard, are hindered. All of them have to do with us; no one else can hinder our prayers.
James 4:3 says that when we pray with selfish motives, we will not get what we ask for.
Prov 28:9 says that when we ignore the Bible, our prayers are not heard.
In Mark 11:25, Jesus says that when we do not forgive others, God will not forgive us.
1 Pet 3:7 says that a husband who is inconsiderate of his wife will not have his prayers answered.
In Ps 66:18, the psalmist says that when we harbor sin in our hearts, God does not listen.
James 1:5-7 says that when we don’t believe God will answer us, God will indeed not answer us.
Take these seriously! List them for your group. Let husbands know that God takes their role extremely seriously. Does their prayer life feel dry? It’s possible that they need to take stock of themselves according to these 6 concerns. But make sure that the ladies know that they don’t get a free “prayer pass” just because they are women (don’t let them play the “weaker vessel” card). God hears us when we pray, but He wants us to be responsible with the incredible gift He has given us in Jesus—a relationship with the living God. If you have time, talk about this.
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